Bigger Breasts Have Certain Advantageous Genetic Traits

A chain restaurant ad

Sam and I want to talk about breasts. Hey! It’s a guy thing okay? But we read in the newspaper this morning that the average American eats more than four times as much chicken today as he/she did in the early 1900s. And mostly, we want white breast meat. Consequently, poor chicken’s breasts are becoming so enlarged they can barely walk around standing up straight.

“Excuse me Mazy but why are you bent over with your beak stuck in the feed trough?”
“My breasts toppled me over. I think I need reduction surgery.”

The average broiler chicken reportedly weighed just over 2 pounds 60 years ago, but now weighs in at more than 9 pounds. Professor Michael Lilburn at Ohio State University’s Poultry Research Center, quoted in a Washington Post article written by Roberto A. Ferdman, says he’s worried about that trend because, farmers may have to alter the genetic makeup of our feathered friends (they don’t already?) so their breasts will grow ever bigger and bigger in order to meat the demand for McNuggets and all those white meat chicken sandwiches and rubber chicken banquet offerings. Apparently, until now, “. . . the industry has made do by selecting certain economically advantageous genetic traits. Specifically, bigger birds with bigger white-meat-filled breasts” (sure it has.).

Apparently those old political promises of a chicken in every pot have really came home to roost. Sam and I suppose the politicos now are going to start promising a bigger breasted chicken in every pot.

And you thought we were going to talk about hooters, boobs, casabas and ta tas didn’t you? Gotcha! Sheesh, you need to get your mind out of the old pig trough!”

Seriously though, I have known a couple of women whose breasts were so big they had breast reduction surgery. Sam and I guess we can see that. Well, no, come to think of it, we can’t see that anymore, eh? Is that a prurient remark? Wonder if breast reduction surgery would work for chickens?

It’s always struck Sam and I as weird that some women seem to want you to notice their breasts and others don’t. We say if you got ‘em flaunt ‘em! For every breast reduction surgery performed how many more augmentation procedures have been performed we wonder? And why do so many women wear low -cut shirts and blouses then complain when you look at their breasts? I was in a business office the other day where a very lovely lady leaned across her desk and gave me a view that nearly took my breath away. I pretended not to notice, but if I weren’t already married I would have asked for her – uh – hand. And why do women perform porn, pose naked and work at places like Hooters? It’s all very confusing.

It’s no wonder us men occasionally call our significant other “My Little Chicken,” though and tend to indulge in selecting certain advantageous genetic traits when we’re looking for a mate. Unfortunately, as (real) chicken breasts grow bigger, their legs grow spindlier. And Sam and I definitely are leg men. We’re not into thunder thighs, but we’re not into toothpick legs either.

Everything in America seems to grow bigger and bigger as time goes by – not necessarily better, but bigger. We probably shouldn’t take that with a grain of corn you know.