Here's A Simple Solution to Avoid Those Sexual Assaults

Sexual assault is making news way too much these days (again). Women are complaining they are being assaulted in the military, on college campuses, in the workplace. If a guy even just looks at a woman’s exposed breasts (why do they wear those low-cut blouses?) he can get into serious trouble. Granted, physical assault is NOT OKAY, but being accused of assault because of a peek at a woman’s breasts or because you’ve made some innocent comment about how hot she looks is NOT OKAY either.

Sam and I blogged about this a year ago and we did NOT want to weigh in on this issue again, but since we’re guys we feel like we need to, because we think we have a simple solution to accusations of sexual assault.

A simple solution to the hubbub about male sexual assault, harassment, obsession, addiction, etcetera, would be for men to carry a pad of permission slips with them that say something like:

“I (woman’s name), being of sound mind and body, and having offered proof that I am at least 18 years of age (enter driver’s license or other documentation) ____________________, and not being coerced in any way, freely consent to have sex with or freely consent to allow _______________ (man’s name) to talk to me about it, leer at my legs, lust over my breasts, touch me in intimate places, watch porn or read pornographic material in my presence - whatever.”

The woman (maybe your wife too) should sign the slip and date it and the man should give the woman a copy and keep the original for enough years that the statute of limitations on a sexual assault charge had run out.

Be aware guys that even if you obtained a permission slip the woman still might charge you with a crime because she didn’t like something you said or did and it’s your word against hers in court. Trust me her word will definitely carry more weight.

For extra insurance, other wording that should be included in the permission slip would be something like, “I (the woman) also freely consent to audio and/or videotaping of any event occurring between myself and (your name).” Don’t use a fictitious name for yourself. That will really land you in hot water with the law.

I’m not a lawyer and if you contemplate using a permission slip to cover your – uh – magic wand, you should definitely hire a lawyer to carefully word your permission slip.

Maybe you could also throw in some phraseology that the woman you contemplate having sex with could sue you if you used the audio or videotape of your “session together” for any purpose other than defense in a court of law - might make her more prone to sign. Just call this permission slip your pre-sexnup.

Many women, of course, would be righteously glad if men didn’t even have penises.

We are so strangely schizophrenic about sex in this country. We sell it every day on TV, in movies, in books, in advertisements – no holds are barred. And who do you think writes a lot of the sexy stuff? WOMEN! Yet they don’t want to acknowledge that they are driving men in America crazy constantly telling us that having sex is equivalent to falling in love then slapping us in irons when we get a little frisky. Guys, if you don’t want to use a permission slip - which you should carry in your wallet next to your condom - you may as well ask someone to direct you to the nearest seminary (or cemetery). It would beat the heck out of jail.