Make A Wisecrack About My Age, I'll Hit You with My Cane

I’m growing older and I don’t like it one bit. I even have to type this blog in a larger font so I can proofread what I’ve written. Lately, to quote Samuel Butler, “Life is one long process of getting tired.” And I’m tired.

I really hate it when people say to me, “You’re only as old as you feel.” Phooey! As Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once wrote, “Whatever poet, orator, or sage may say of it, old age is still old age.” Right on Henry.

I’m especially tired right now because I’ve just spent the day moving furniture out of my rental house because I’m getting rid of the house. I can’t believe how heavy couches and tables and chairs have become since the last time I moved them. I actually had to hire a couple of young guys to help me move the furniture. I’ve never had to do that before.

I’ve been tired after a hard day’s work in the past and I’m sure I will be again. The problem is, a day’s work now takes way more out of me than it used to. I was so strong and tireless when I was younger - like those dang young whippersnappers I hired. They made hauling a heavy leather couch and a heavy glass-topped dining table and other pieces down a steep flight of stairs look easy. I had been struggling just to budge those items. My friend’s son Jewel, who just finished six years (I think) in the Army and in Iraq and Afghanistan, and his buddy Peter, came to help me after already working eight hours at their regular jobs. I have no doubt they could have gone out partying all night too if they had desired.

Thanks Guys!

Here are a few signs that you are getting old: Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them; having sex in a twin bed is out of the question; you keep more food than beer in the fridge; you hear your favorite song in an elevator; you watch the Weather Channel; sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt; you take naps; dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one’ you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests; you actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

At least we can keep up with the kids in one respect. Just as they have developed their own language for texting each other, so have we. According to Reader’s Digest the following texting shortcuts are used by us older folk:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted (or farted?)
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers (not friend with benefits)
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

Getting older sucks, but no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that age is no big deal, it is. No matter how much we strive to think young, to exercise and take care of our minds and bodies, we’re all eventually going to wind up in that long lighted tunnel of heavenly transit that says (like it does in England) “Way Out.”

In other words, KYBGB (think about it).