"Just Stuff It!" May Not Work Well for Burying Big People

How do you bury big people? You know, those seven-footers, those 600-plus-pounders, and people like that? Sam and I are wondering because we were driving by the cemetery this morning and noticed that a back-hoe was digging a hole so someone could be interred in the cold, cold ground. We know the ground is cold ‘cause it’s been freezing and/or raining for several days.

Anyway, if the average burial plot is six feet (like you always hear), how do they get a seven-footer in there? Do they leave him (or her) out of the coffin and fold him up at the knees to make him fit? What if the guy’s family buys him a custom-built seven-foot coffin and the hole to put him in is only six feet? I’m not much of a mathematician but even I know something would have to give. And what if the guy’s family couldn’t find a custom coffin maker - although I know they’re around - would you have to leave holes in a six-foot coffin so the guy’s legs and feet could stick out? But then, can’t you just imagine the cemetery burial crew trying to put the six-foot coffin in a six-foot hole and the guy’s legs and feet are sticking out? I can imagine the burial crew’s consternation: “Aw crap, he doesn’t fit. Now what are we going to do?”

The Vikings had a pretty good way to bury people

What if the dead person’s family couldn’t afford the price of a custom-built seven-foot coffin? It doesn’t seem fair that a seven-footer would be unable to fit in a regulation-sized coffin, but heck, they can’t fit in regular-sized cars or beds either. It’s aggravating how in America we have this-one-size-fits -all mentality. I hate trying to buy a pair of pants that fit me well. Pants makers assume that if your waist is a certain circumference your legs and your inseam should be a certain length. Unfortunately, God gave me a little shorter inseam than the pants’ makers think I should have. I always say that’s why I can’t run fast; not enough length in the crotch.

But I digress - back to burials. How do they stuff those 600-plus pounders into a regular size coffin? Sam and I start giggling whenever we imagine that scenario. Do you stuff the rolls of fat on one side of the body into the coffin only to see the rolls of fat on the other side pop out? Maybe you don’t have to worry about this stuff, but Sam and I can’t help it.

One other aspect of burials I worry about is being a pall bearer. I’ve only done that once; pressed into duty when another pall bearer didn’t show up. It was at my aunt’s burial. She was not too tall or too fat to fit in the hole, no, the problem was she was being buried on a hillside. As I took my first step on the wet, slick slope at the cemetery, I was struck with the horrible thought, “What if I slip and fall?” I had a vision of me and my aunt’s casket racing each other down the hillside and wondered if her coffin would beat me to the bottom or crush me on the way down. Fortunately, I was able to maintain my footing and nothing bad happened.

Got any input on this important subject? Don’t bury your thoughts. Sound off please. We’d love to hear your opinions.