Don't Goose Bruce! He'll Be A She Soon, He'll Bitch Slap Ya'

Bruce Jenner wants to be a woman now, eh? For crying out loud. Sam and I would suspect ol’ Bruce got his brains whomped out playing football, except he didn’t play football. Do you realize ho!w difficult it is to win the Olympic decathlon? Now one of the best athletes in American history wants to have a vagina and all that? He’s destroying our image of American male athletes. Besides, he’s too ugly to be a woman! Sam and I just knew hanging out with those Kardashian broads would lead Bruce to no good. What are we supposed to call him now, Bruce Jenny?

He'll be a woman soon. See those pointy things?

Why do men want to be women and women want to be men? We don’t get it. We’re so confused! And why are we so accepting of this transgender business and same-sex marriage and all that gay and lesbian stuff? Pretty soon we’ll all have unisex bodies and our parts will be totally interchangeable. If you dare to say, “Well God made us the way we are,” I’m going to jump up and yell, “What hath God wrought?” (I heard that somewhere). Personally, I’m glad I have one foot on the banana peel.

I knew a guy once who changed his gender. When I met him, I thought he was a pretty nice guy and struck up a bit of a friendship – uh, acquaintance - with him; you know – man conversation when we ran into each other, that kind of thing. We never actually hung out or chilled together. He even had a girlfriend and they appeared to be all smarmy in love and everything. At least I thought so. I thought they were a cute couple.

Then one day it appeared to me this guy was wearing his hair longer and was sporting a little lip rouge under his moustache. H-m-m, maybe that was just something his girlfriend goaded him to do? We guys do stupid things for our girlfriends sometimes, you know?

Eventually though, the girlfriend disappeared. One day I addressed my acquaintance by his given male name and he informed me he was now going by a woman’s name and told me he was having a sex-change operation. OMG! To say I was flabbergasted would be a gross understatement of the facts. To quote a General of the Army when he was told on an episode of M.A.S.H. that Radar O’Riley had been promoted to corporal captain, “I don’t like it. No sir. I don’t like it one bit!” So fry me in oil already. I have my prejudices and I’m comfortable with them.

I don’t know, I think the best solution to men wanting to be women and women and wanting to be men and yada, yada, yada, is to just have ‘em all neutered like Sam. He doesn’t seem to have an ounce of angst about his gender identity. I know I’d feel more comfortable around someone who had been neutered. Some guy changes his sex and tries to get frisky with me is gonna’ get his/her self bitch-slapped into the next world.

Either that or I’ll have Sam bark at him real loud.