I'm No Gor-Met. So Don't Add A Bunch of Crap to My food

I wish people would quit putting crap in my food and trying to fancy it up. Take cilantro, for instance. Man that stuff tastes bad, but once somebody decided it was a wonderful addition to soups, salads, salsas – yada, yada, yada – now it’s everywhere. I have to be really wary when I go out for Mexican food. I had to pick cilantro out of a wonderful Asian salad the other night too. YUCK! Where’s that Mr. Yuck label when I need it?

Some "gourmet" burgers are ridiculous

Why do people keep messing with hamburgers too? I don’t need all manner of onion straws, marinated cucumber chips and other crap on my burger. I even recently saw a recipe for a ramen burger. Good grief! And I don’t want my burger on a French roll, ciabatta roll or Kaiser Bun. Just slap that beef patty on a plain old sesame seed bun with some secret sauce, lettuce and tomato, and I’m good to go. I admit though that I do occasionally like a mushroom burger or teriyaki burger with a slice of pineapple too.

Talking about hamburgers reminds me of Steve Martin starring in a Pink Panther movie as Inspector Clouseau attempting to order a hamburger. Love Steve Martin. If you haven’t seen the movie I recommend it.

People ordering coffee with all manner of crap in the cup drive me crazy too. Why do you need your coffee to be “flavored?” It’s got a flavor! I was a barista for a little while and I just despised people who came into the store and ordered something like a skinny decaf hazelnut mocha. I was always tempted to say, “Before you tell me you would like that with whip or no whip, how ‘bought I just whip you up ‘long side your head?” Why do you even bother drinking coffee? How can you taste it with all that crap in it? And all those bottled, flavored “creamers” that women tend to haul out when they offer you coffee in their homes? I don’t want that crap! Just give me plain old black coffee.

We have this disease in America that disables us from accepting things as they are. We seem incapable of being content with what we have and always want to make it “better.” People even mess with doughnuts, God’s gift to a hungry world. I’ve seen maple bars with bacon on them for crying out loud! And what’s this obsession we have with bacon in this country anyway? Almost every time I see an advertisement for a food item lately, the advertiser tries to make me think the item would taste better with bacon. Makes me want to make a donation to the Jewish Defense Fund or something. Eating bacon on everything just ain’t kosher.

Bacon maplebars? I don't think so!

Hey, and if you’re semi-alcoholic and imbibe a few what’s the deal with all these different flavored vodkas? I don’t drink that stuff, wine or beer is good enough, but holy cow!

One more thing. Can anybody out there explain the necessity for putting hot sauce on things, especially on eggs? YUCK And why put ketchup on hash browns? NO! NO! NO! Excuse me. I have a headache.