A Few Suggestions How to get Rid of Washington "Redskins"

Let's not name a football team "The Stooges"

Boy there sure is a lot of hullabaloo these days about sports teams names – the Washington Redskins, for instance. Sam and I might embrace the idea of the Redskins changing their name a little more seriously if they truly resembled murdering savages and could win more football games. But the members of the team seem to think counting coup only refers to the size of their paychecks. So, who cares about that anyway? In this neck of the woods we root for the Seahawks.

But in an attempt to help sports teams come up with new and more appropriate names, Sam and I have compiled a list that we’re glad to disseminate at no expense.

First of all why not simply rename the Redskins the “Natives”? That’s an easy switch and it should make our First Americans feel honored rather than slandered. Calling the team “The Congress,” certainly would be insulting – to the team. The team could probably call itself “The Potomacs” without much problem wouldn’t you think? A lot of our sports teams are named for environmental things these days: the “Earthquakes,” the “Thunder,” the “Storm.” Surprisingly, there isn’t any team named “The Dirt” - as far as we know anyway. Sam and I assume in the good old days, when football was in its ascendancy, teams wanted their names to sound as ferocious as possible. Apparently Native Americans don’t want to be thought of as ferocious anymore. We could call a team the “Wind,” but that might upset Mariah.

We know there are sports teams out there named Wolves and Wolverines and Panthers and Lions, but do we have any “Camels?” How about “Hippos?” We do have “Gators.” If you’re into cutesy names, why not call a team the “Whistling Marmots” - those are those furry little rat-like animals in the mountains? Is any team named the “Koalas?” Maybe in Australia, eh? How ‘bout the “Fighting Marsupials” to honor opossums? The “Bandit Raccoons” might be cool too.

Naturally, we’re not going to call a team the “Pansies.” We probably won’t call them the “Hollyhocks” or “Fuchsias” or “Nasturtiums” either. If we called a team the “Rhododendrons” we could shorten their name to Rodies. We Americans like to shorten words and names. We don’t know of any teams named The “Swimmin’ Salmon” or The “Boldt Decisions.” Those names seem like naturals in the Pacific Northwest.

Personally, I kind of like the “Oh Craps!” Can’t you just hear some sober sports announcer like Joe Buck say on TV, ”Here comes the Oh Craps!” Sam and I certainly can imagine Steve Raible, the Seahawks TV play-by-play guy saying, “Touchdown! Oh Crap!” How about opposing cheerleaders chanting, “Beat the Crap out of them.”

Sam and I sure don’t favor naming sports teams “The Pistols,” or “Bazookas” or “Grenade Launchers.” Some yahoo sports announcer just wouldn’t be able to resist calling one of those teams’ offense “explosive.” I can just hear an announcer saying, “Man that wide-receiver runs like he’s was shot out of a gun!”

Realistically speaking, we ought to name a sports team the “Sure Bet,” or “Odds Makers” or “House Rules” or something the Native Americans could really get behind. With all the money they’re raking in at their casinos you’d think some tribe or tribes would buy their own football team and call it whatever the heck they want. On the other hand, it’s probably far cheaper to just protest against socially unconscious names than to pay football players to win ball these days.