Sexual Problems Caused by Hormonal Disruption?

I was raised by parents who insisted when I was little that I should be seen and not heard, and when I grew a little older, that I should not discuss religion and politics. They probably should have told me not to talk about sex either, but I’m going to – not so much that I get booted off this “clean” blogosphere, but just enough to point out some things I think are wrong with American’s – especially women’s -attitudes about sex.

Sam and I read with some alarm an opinion piece in Wednesday’s Olympian newspaper titled “Men should worry about hormone disruptors.” That got my attention! I do not welcome anything disrupting my hormones (is there more than one?). The article talked about a bunch of bad stuff, like DDT, PCBs, arsenic, dioxins and industrial toxins, which a guy wouldn’t normally expect to find in his coffee and doughnuts, appearing more and more frequently in so-called personal care products (my deodorant!? My Rogaine?!), and possibly causing cancer, liver disease, and (here it comes!) reproductive problems. OMG!

Quoting the article: “Any guy who cares about his manhood ought to stay awake at night worrying about these chemicals.” Oh crap! Then when you can’t sleep at night your wife drags you to the doctor and he says you have sleep apnea and tries to fit you with an apparatus to help you breathe at night that is so ugly and horrifying even Stephen King couldn’t have dreamed it up.

But guys it isn’t chemical disruptors we need to worry about, it’s the female disruptors we associate with. First of all, many of them would like us to sleep with anything (except another woman) that would keep us off their precious bodies. Many ladies my age have told me they no longer even desire sex. Talk about disruption!

And now the feminazis (as Rush Limbaugh calls them) have pushed legislation through our legal system so if a guy looks down a woman’s low-cut blouse to admire her breasts that’s sexual harassment. If a guy ogles a woman’s body which is totally outlined and displayed for all the world to see by a pair of those Spandex-like tights they wear, that’s harassment. And not only is a guy risking a harassment charge, he could be accused of sexual assault and hauled off to jail! Some actress even said recently that guys who look at pictures of naked women or indulge in whistles and catcalls are no better than low-life criminals.

I suppose we could blame religion for women thinking they need to act so pure and virginal. I mean, the Puritans landed here in 1620 and things have gone downhill religion-wise ever since. Women who didn’t confirm to a strict code of conduct in those days were burned at the stake as witches.

But religion can’t be the whole problem. Joseph Smith reportedly managed to have as many as 40 wives at one time and he was founder of the Mormon Church. Hello Mormon ladies! No doubt Smith was enjoying himself immensely and not worrying about hormone disruption until other church women around the country convinced Congress that Smith was a filthy old man, and Utah decided it wanted statehood and outlawed polygamy.

I’m sure in my own mind the problem – why women become sexual disruptors – has to do with lack of respect. Sexual performance and desire take a steep plunge after several years of marriage not because of chemical hormone destruction, but through loss of respect. Guys, maybe you spend too much money, drink too much, snore, watch too much TV – whatever – but if your lady has lost respect for you, that’s a disruption! It won’t matter what shape your hormones are in.

And if you “cheat” on the little woman. Disruption eruption! Guys, women don’t understand that given half the chance and some degree of assurance you won’t get caught, at least 50 percent of you will “cheat,” especially if your love life already has been significantly disrupted. An exciting new woman can go a long way toward restoring a man’s hormones.

I’m not advocating, I’m just saying. You heard it here first.