I Like A Traditional Gobbler Feast With the Usual Sides

Sam and I totally agree with this Thanksgiving meal statement: “Don’t mess with the turkey – too much.”

We’re tempted to say not at all, but we know some cooks get frustrated by cooking a turkey the same old way year after year. Some people resort to deep frying their turkey, some smoke it in their fish and game smoker. Others do – uh – whatever they do. We shudder to think. Sorry, but Sam and I are stuck in a rut when it comes to our Thanksgiving meal. We want ol’ big bird slow-roasted in the oven just like mom used to do it. I’m still willing to rise up out of bed at four o’clock in the morning to help prepare his butter-ball-ness, stuff him until his breast is about to blow it’s pop-up timer and insert him into the oven to turn out all juicy and golden brown. Oh Yum! (Sam’s drooling).

Sam and I also are pretty tradition-bound when it comes to the rest of the meal too. The stuffing that goes in our bird should be regular bread stuffing with giblets chopped up in it and not much else. If the cook wants to add raisins that’s cool, a little chopped apple ain’t bad either. Every couple of years or so, cornbread stuffing is acceptable. I like mashed potatoes and gravy, plenty of gravy so I can ladle it over my stuffing and turkey meat in addition to the potatoes. I like rice pilaf with turkey if you want to go that way in lieu of potatoes. I can deal with that.

I love cranberry sauce, jellied, whole berry, whatever. You can even mix some other crap in the cranberries and that’s okay. Gotta’ have fruit salad too, with fruit cocktail, bananas, little marshmallows and lots of whipped cream (Cool Whip is okay).

Vegetables, smegtables! Who needs ‘em? I almost always have to eat broccoli, but I prefer cut corn. Carrots are out. Peas are okay. Green beans are out although they’re pretty good if you do them up with mushrooms, cream of mushroom soup and those French-fried onion rings out of a can. DO NOT try to serve me yams or sweet potatoes even if you dress them up in brown sugar, crushed pineapple and miniature marshmallows like my mother used to do. YUCK Get my drift. Ditto for acorn squash. Double YUCK! I’ll puke. I’ll throw up. I’ll hurl.

I’m not a big bread eater on Thanksgiving. The bread just takes up space in my stomach that I need for other things, besides, the stuffing has bread in it. I’m not big on wine with the meal either. A little glass of Riesling or Moscato, but not much. No sparkling cider thanks. Too phony.

Now for the pies. Bring on the pies! Pumpkin, cherry, apple, pecan, banana cream, chocolate cream, lemon meringue –you get my drift. I usually lean toward pecan and pumpkin though. You can’t go wrong with cheesecake either. In fact you can hardly ever go wrong with cheesecake unless it’s a cheap one out of a Jell-O box or one that doesn’t weight about five pounds when you heft it. Cream cheese and eggs are such a wonderful combination. I had mango cheesecake recently and that was heavenly, but I’m also partial to strawberry, raspberry, blueberry, chocolate, caramel – drool.

I’ll probably go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner this year. It’s easier than preparing a big spread for just two people. That’s too many leftovers. I’ll probably have to eat a peanut butter or tuna fish sandwich while watching the football games. Happy Thanksgiving from me and my family to you and yours!

Real Questions Asked on the Butterball Turkey Cooking Hotline

1.   Is it OK to baste my turkey with engine oil?

2.   Should I carve my turkey with a 16in Redmax or should I get out my Stihl Electric Chain Saw?

3.   How do I get my Chihuahua out of the turkey.  (Her dog jumped up on the kitchen table.)

4.   Should I leave the giblets in their plastic bag during cooking?

5.   How long should I cook my turkey on the car radiator? 
50 minutes at Mach 1 should do it!