Sam and I found that quote in a book titled The Best Joke Book Ever. Some little kid apparently said it. Out of the mouths of babes, eh? Apparently a bunch old geezers are taking that saying to heart and signing up for the local 2014 Washington State Senior Games. Didn’t succeed at high school or college sports? Get some new batteries and come on down to the games. If you’re like a lot of seniors I know, you’ll at least need to stock up on batteries for your pacemaker and your hearing aids. If you plan to enter electric scooter races you’ll surely want to make sure your scooter battery is fresh. You might want to replace those magnets you’ve stuck to various joints of your body that help you move better too.
Sam and I aren’t going to the games. We’re not really interested in a bunch of old geezers trying to regain their youth. I would be tempted to attend the Athletes Celebration Dinner after the games, but won’t go to that because we don’t want to listen to gasping and wheezing tales of guts and glory over a $15 rubber chicken banquet.
Games events include archery, softball, basketball, rock climbing, hammer and weight throws, tennis, pickleball, racquetball, bowling, volleyball, swimming, cycling, dashes, ballroom dancing, shuffleboard, badminton, and much more. New events this year include trap shooting and power walking.
Power walking is described as a perfect event for first-time senior gamers. You simply walk 1,500 meters (about a mile) as fast as you can. The only rule is that one foot has to be on the ground at all times. Sam and I don’t know why game organizers ruled you have to keep one foot on the ground at all times, doesn’t that seem self-evident?
I couldn’t enter the power-walking event, because as Kathleen is constantly pointing out, I can’t even walk fast enough to keep up with her. Secretly though? I don’t like to walk fast. People have said to me, “You better walk fast crossing the street or you’ll get run over.” Well, I always say if anybody is about to run over me they’ll get one of my size-13s through their radiator and I’ll take a good deal of their paint and chrome with me. If God wanted me to walk fast he’d have given me a longer crotch (er, inseam) and he didn’t. Besides, I’m retired and Sam has to sniff stuff.
I like to conserve my energy as much as possible. I have no desire to “go to the hoop” one more time or run like Forrest Gump or any of that crap. I could hurt myself. I did all that stuff in my youth and I ain’t a youth anymore and I think people should quit trying to be what they ain’t; quit trying to stave off old age and just get on with living. Life’s not so bad in a rocking chair on the front porch; especially if you have coffee and doughnuts in the morning and cold beer and cigars in the afternoon.
Here’s a blonde joke for you. Guy says to a blonde, “Don’t you want to live longer?” The blonde says, “Longer than what?” My sentiments exactly. Anyway, batteries are too expensive. We just had to buy five new 9-volt batteries for our home fire alarms. I had to go to Fort Knox for a loan.
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