Tattoos On Your Body Do Not Qualify as Great Collectible Art

So what is it with all you women who want to wear tattoos? Sam and I would like to know how something that used to be considered a symbol of low-lifers and criminals has become such a hot commodity among you ladies. It seems like there’s a tattoo parlor on every street in America lately and a lot of women are wearing these symbols of lurid artwork on their butts, boobs and who knows where else.

Sam and I guess it makes you women feel somewhat sexy to wear a tattoo. Or you’re just letting your rebel self shine a little bit. You all seem to like bad boys do you all want to be bad girls too?

Well, Sam and I have a suggestion or two if you insist on wearing a tattoo. First of all keep it small and discreet - which, admittedly most of you do; hidden from view would be good too. Don’t turn a whole arm or seventy percent of your body into a Matisse or Picasso canvas. Artwork should hang on a wall, not on your back or arms. There is nothing uglier than seeing a woman with nearly her whole body tattooed. Have you babes been ogling so many athletes with their ugly body art you’ve become brainwashed? I remember my brother - a former California prison guard - telling me once he could tell what prison a guy had been in by the tattoos the guy wore.

Ladies, tattoos are ugly, disgusting and degrading, but if you’re going to wear one at least wear one that is useful. Since most guys look at your chest area first, why not have a tattoo just above your cleavage that says, “Eyes on my face Bub!” Better yet, you could have your name tattooed above your breasts so the guy you go to bed with won’t mistake you for his other girlfriend or his wife while in the throes of passion. Your name tattooed on your chest would be especially handy if you ran into your former lover in the grocery store. He wouldn’t have to walk out of the store saying to himself, “Dang! What was her name?” You could have your phone number or email tattooed on your chest too - save a lot of time and hunting around for pencil and paper.

Sam and I think a tattoo that says, “Open me first” might be good. Or how about “handle with care?” We’re especially fond of “Don’t squeeze the charmings.”

If you had a tattoo on your belly you could have one surrounding your “inny” or “outy” that said, “The real navel.” You also could tattoo a donut around your belly button and your belly button could be thee donut hole. Or you could tattoo a sinkhole there.

You could always have an arrow - maybe a cupid’s arrow - pointing down to you know where that said, “The good stuff.” And you could have a tattoo on your posterior region saying “Bite me.” I’ve seen all manner of tattoos on women’s backsides - must be fun for the tattoo artist.

Okay, this is becoming kind of risqué for a family blog, but Sam and I hope you get the uh, picture. Tattoos are dumb. You don’t need them to be pretty, sexy, smart, whatever. If you absolutely have to get a tattoo at least get one that could ward off potential attackers, one that would say something like, “Protected by a Smith & Wesson,” or “karate kicks a-- “ or I’m an undercovers cop.”

Just sayin’.